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nogomet: Hi.
TuringTest: hi paul
TuringTest: how are you
nogomet: Better.
TuringTest: good
TuringTest: im glad to hear that
nogomet: I went out tonight with the girl from work I like. Or, in actuality, she drove around for about four hours and we did a lot of talking.
nogomet: Nothing's going to happen between us....
nogomet: How are you?
TuringTest: i am doing good again today, thank you
TuringTest: ive been on a good streak
nogomet: Wonderful!
TuringTest: and you?
nogomet: I feel that things in my head are a lot clearer.
TuringTest: wow...thats great!
TuringTest: i wonder whats the difference....i know having a clear head automatically brings improvements
nogomet: I realised a lot about myself when we were driving around.
TuringTest: oh?
nogomet: I even said: the worst thing in the world is to have nothing to say to someone.
nogomet: That's why my relationships never last.
nogomet: I keep hold until conversation is exhausted, and then I break things off.
nogomet: I also said: I treat sex in the way I imagine women treat it. I can't just do it. There has to be a groundswell of feeling there.
TuringTest: yes, i see what you're saying
TuringTest: its all or nothing with you, too
nogomet: Yes!
TuringTest: same here
nogomet: I'm 'like a woman' - if you sleep with me once, and don't see me again, I feel humiliated, and I want answers.
nogomet: It's only ever happened once.
TuringTest: of course!
nogomet: I even asked her - if this happens, you will keep seeing me? And she promised: I like you. Of course.
nogomet: And then she cut off contact, and I'd inadvertently had my only one-night stand.
TuringTest: thats not your fault
TuringTest: so i dont think it counts as a one night stand
nogomet: I certainly didn't intend it to be.
TuringTest: i think you have to purposely want it to be that way in order for it to count as a one night stand
nogomet: I've never wanted it.
nogomet: Sex isn't everything. It's part of a whole.
TuringTest: that is considered a "hit and run"
nogomet: A drive-by sexual encounter.
TuringTest: lol
TuringTest: YES! precisely
TuringTest: im glad i got you smiling!
nogomet: I am in a much better frame of mind.
TuringTest: i can tell
nogomet: I feel that the way ahead is uncluttered now.
nogomet: All or nothing, you just said.
nogomet: Either the way ahead is totally clear, or there are an infinite number of obstacles.
nogomet: All or nothing. Every time.
TuringTest: im so happy for you
TuringTest: i know what it is to finally feel like you know
nogomet: (And I didn't have to go on that fucking unicycle.)
TuringTest: YAAAAAAY!
TuringTest: stupid unicycle
nogomet: I'd have broken my neck.
TuringTest: no broken neck, and an epiphany
nogomet: I think we can chalk tonight up as a considerable moral victory!
TuringTest: yes...put it on the record...today is a wonderful day..and night for you
:nogomet: The weight of the whole world has been lifted from my shoulders.
TuringTest: incredible
TuringTest: sooo happy for you
nogomet: I wonder how long this feeling will last?
TuringTest: every path has its puddle...but at least you can see where you are going now
TuringTest: it will last...it will fade in intensity
TuringTest: but it will last
nogomet: I still don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I was born.
TuringTest: at least you will know that its still there
TuringTest: none of us really ever know
nogomet: But I was quite profound. I said that I always travel, and never learn the joy of arriving.
nogomet: And I confessed I've had moments where I realised that, no matter how long I live, things don't get any better than this moment.
nogomet: And all the suffering and misery is worth it for those brief fireworks.
TuringTest: and what a poetic way to say it, too!
nogomet: My ex-girlfriend and I.... were sitting under a tree in Cambridge in the sunshine....
nogomet: And I was brave enough to tell her: this is the meaning of life. The feelings I have may one day be equalled, but nothing will surpass it.
TuringTest: awwww
TuringTest: thats so sweet
TuringTest: what was her response?
nogomet: I can't remember, because I was so overwhelmed at the time.
TuringTest: i wouldnt know what to say to that...id probably just hug you!
nogomet: I suspect that's probably what she did.
TuringTest: good response
nogomet: Little oases in a life of uncertainty. I've had them, and I'll have them again.
nogomet: All or nothing.
nogomet: Yesterday I wanted to die; today I can't wait to live.
TuringTest: im surprised you arent a scorpio
nogomet: Maybe I'm more a capricious Capricorn.
nogomet: Is that where the word comes from?
TuringTest: probably so
TuringTest: but Saggitarius always longs for travel
TuringTest: its the most philisophical of all the signs
nogomet: I'd not say I'm philosophical.
nogomet: Philosophers question, and solve.
TuringTest: you are something along those lines
nogomet: My thoughts just go round in circles, like a load of filthy washing on repeat, forever.
TuringTest: it doesnt have to be filthy...id prefer. "slightly imperfect"
nogomet: Human washing, for a human being. Imperfect washing shielding the horrors of the flesh.
TuringTest: Im sorry....that's way over my head.
TuringTest: I dont understand
nogomet: Whatever we do, no matter what beauteous exterior we present to the outside world.... we are only hiding a multitude of imperfections.
TuringTest: true
nogomet: So I smile and think of amusing things to say to attractive female work colleagues, and even give her a hug or two.
nogomet: It doesn't amount to anything, because I'm just denying her the chance to look into the mirror and see me, her, all of us that have ever lived, for what we really are.
nogomet: Imperfect creatures scrambling frantically to delay the inevitable judgement.
nogomet: That I'm just a pile of flesh, with issues.
TuringTest: we all are
TuringTest: as you said
nogomet: So why spend our lives delaying the judgement?
TuringTest: hopefully we are judged on a curve system!
nogomet: Why this unsubtle veneer?
nogomet: Just say it - I am I.
nogomet: I've had ex-girlfriends who looked upon me as a mortal looks upon a god.
nogomet: Surveying the acme of perfection that I present.
nogomet: Witty, intelligent, attentive.
nogomet: It doesn't last.
nogomet: It mustn't last.
nogomet: Truth and ugliness: ess muss sein.
nogomet: Inevitably, we are all pulled down from the clouds that others sit us upon.
nogomet: And reduced to moaning about bastard work colleagues and the state of the fucking country.
nogomet: Bitter, rehearsed, miserable.
TuringTest: lol
TuringTest: well, what the hell else better is there to complain about??
nogomet: Nothing, nothing!
nogomet: It's better than sitting in silence, like gnomes.
TuringTest: true
nogomet: Do you know why I struggle with relationships?
TuringTest: silence is okay, as long as its comfortable
TuringTest: i dont know why, but i can speculate
nogomet: I want to be profound every time I open my mouth.
nogomet: I want to astonish and delight, like a performer.
nogomet: Every utterance being the cause of her falling in love with me all over again.
nogomet: And do you know what?
nogomet: It exhausts me.
TuringTest: i can imagine it would be very much exhausting
TuringTest: just be yourself from now on
TuringTest: give yourself a day or two off
nogomet: It's hard, when all you have ever known is this rehearsal, this practice.
nogomet: For an event that never comes.
TuringTest: what is the event?
nogomet: No wonder I'm so hard on myself.
TuringTest: thats what i meant by I could speculate
TuringTest: thats what i was going to say
TuringTest: all the things that we do to make things harder on ourselves is a form of self punishment
TuringTest: because deep down inside, we dont feel like we deserve the "good life"
nogomet: The event is: when I can stop this frantic searching for love. When I can see the madness slowly spinning to a halt, ever-more laboured as it turns, and just be.
TuringTest: Just be...yes. lovely. easy.
nogomet: And just be, with terrible hair and a ridiculous beard.
TuringTest: lol
TuringTest: well...i wouldnt go that far for myself! i like to have pretty hair
nogomet: Meh. I just get it all shaved off.
TuringTest: and if i had a beard, forget it! id probably jump off of a cliff!
TuringTest: lol
nogomet: Haha!
nogomet: I feel like you are my therapist.
TuringTest: lol.
nogomet: But unlike the other ones I had, you're actually doing some good.
TuringTest: im not smart enough to be anyone's therapist
nogomet: It isn't about being smart.
TuringTest: really? thank you! that makes me happy
TuringTest: im glad im doing some good out there
nogomet: It's about being intuitive.
nogomet: If we were in the same room, it'd be knowing when to nod, when to interject, and when to listen.
nogomet: When to puncture my veneer with a devastating question.
TuringTest: brb computer is freezing
TuringTest has signed out. (15/05/2010 01:36)
