That is not diagnosed; not mis-diagnosed or partially diagnosed, but completely overlooked. What are the chances of that happening? And after three decades of staring into a bottomless shaft with seemingly no explanation for why I am so detached, so sad, what prospect of fixing it in order that I might latch onto some sort of normality?
It's been suggested, in a non-malicious conversation, that I might be suffering from Asperger's Syndrome, a mish-mash condition comprising, amongst other things, poor social interaction; stereotyped behaviour; physical clumsiness and atypical use of language. (Thankyou, Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome)
Okay. Let's go through those four things one at a time and see what evidence we can exhume from your author's personal history. Whilst accepting that singular occurrences do not, individually. provide irrefutable evidence of their hypothesis, they do mean that the hypothesis (that I might have Asperger's) cannot be rejected without further investigation.
- poor social interaction: silence or near-silence around people I don't know. Unease or discomfort escalating to outright hostility: I chose to work a night on my own with no transport home last Easter rather than face attending the office's annual social event. There was a three-hour wait for a train home after my shift, but I stayed back alone at my desk, drinking tea and reading; I couldn't bring myself to talk to the man next to me at the football to begin with despite our common interest; every girlfriend I have ever had has commented on how aloof I am.
- stereotyped behaviour: I have a number of repeated, intrustive, irrelevant thoughts. I mentioned on here before how I had rituals which had to be completed to prevent the house burning down or the death of a loved one.
- physical clumsiness: I can't ride a two-wheeled bicycle; I can't judge the pressure I'm exerting on the pedals of a car - meaning I have never passed the test; I am uncoordinated when hitting at a ball with either a bat or my hands. I played tennis on a frequent basis with an ex-partner. The racket slashed around at thin air, far more often than it made contact with the ball.
- atypical use of language: okay, not so strong here. I did pick up foreign languages very quickly when at school, and am doing so again now I've decided to re-learn them. I don't neologise often, though.
So there is some evidence which might back up the suggestion. Additionally, in an online test - again, I agree that its signficance is spurious as a singularity - I 'scored' 33 out of 50, when likelyAsperger's sufferers are expected to record 32.
What started as an innocent conversation, then, has the potential to frame a lifetime which has been full of nerves and misery for as long as I am able to recall. Now I must take the post-Christmas trip to the doctor and find out whether there's anything at all in it beyond tilting at windmills.
